"I've got big dreams, but no self-esteem, ya know."

I'm not big on punk, but ska, and in particular Reel Big Fish, is alright. I just thought that line an apt title for this post. The post about my sweetheart is on its way, it's just taking longer than I thought. For the 10th time, or so, I've been trying to plan the next few years of school, and see what I have to do in order to get a real job in my lifetime, and before my kids grow up. I also have some goals and dreams that I want to plan for, but they all seem so far away from being realized!

Shauni and I have been talking about making a change in our routine a lot, lately. Before we moved to Phoenix, my plan was to take 1-2 lab sciences per semester, and another class or two, to fill up the requisite 12 credit hours needed to be considered full-time for financial aid. Along with that, I would work weekend nights, full-time, so that I would not need to go into debt for school, and so I could get a hefty chunk of medical/clinical experience to prepare me for medical school. Well, it's been one semester so far, and I think some thing's gotta give. I say this for several reasons: 1, by only taking 1-2 lab sciences per semester, I will not get my bachelors degree until I have been in school for over 5 years (I got a late start by changing my major after a year and a half at a community college); 2, working full-time leaves me no extra time, or energy, to take more classes than that; 3, Because I work every Saturday and Sunday night, I am always tired at church, during the semester I never get a break, and I have really felt out-of-touch with my spiritual side lately.

So, I'm making some new goals, which will require a few changes, I want to:

1. Be done with my B.S. by Spring 2011, with little or no debt (besides my car, which will be paid off the next year)
2. Get above a 3.5 GPA, and above a 3.0 for sciences
3. Take the MCAT by next Spring, and score within the 85th percentile
4. Enter Med School by Fall 2011, finish by Spring 2015 (by the time Jaren begins 1st grade)
5. Find a career with 9-5 hours, Monday-Friday, minimum management, earn over $100k/year, so I can spend lots of time with my family, and enjoy a retirement
6. Find a place to work and live in Lakeside, Flagstaff, Payson, or Durango (somewhere cool and mountainous)
7. Be able to take a super-vacation for my 10th anniversary with Shauni (to the East Coast, Europe, or Brazil)

In order to do this, something I need to do now is take more classes each semester, which means working less. Shauni and I have been thinking that, perhaps, I could reduce my work to part-time, only two nights a week, and be a tutor to make a little extra (and get some good experience) while Shauni could be a substitute teacher once or twice a week. Since I don't have classes either Wednesday or Friday, I could watch Jaren while she went to work. Of course, we could always just accept the subsidized loans I've been offered for the next few years, but we'd rather not, unless we have to.

We plan on having a few more children, not sure exactly how many but we think about 4, and we're thinking about spacing them out about 3 years apart from each other. Which means, by the time I'm starting medical school in the fall of 2011, hopefully, that we'll be having our next baby, and the one after that will come when I still have about a year left. We also want to move to wherever we're going before Jaren starts school. So we might find somewhere in this cool, mountainous, unknown place during my last year-- when I'll be doing my clinical rotations away from home anyway-- for Shauni and the kids to live while I finish school. If everything goes timely and well, as I hope, Shauni and I will have been married for nearly 8 years, and we'll have 3 kids by the time I'm finally done with school and can start my real job!

This all sounds so daunting and far away, but I know that no-one else will do this for me. If I don't plan and do what is necessary for me to have the future I want for myself and my family, we wont have it. Sometimes I wish I had a guide-- a mentor, to help me, and who I could talk to and ask advice from. In this age of the Internet and fierce competition for skilled occupations, I feel like I'm always the last one to know about some helpful Internet resource, or unspoken, common knowledge about the application process and all the preparation needed to give one a competitive edge. I feel like the fact that I'm a young, white, married, Christian, American man puts me at a disadvantage when every medical school I investigate says on their homepage that they are looking for applicants who will help diversify their class. To me, that says I am not wanted: that the world has enough white, male doctors.

Dear World: Please prove me wrong!

I'm not black, but I still have a dream. I'm not a woman, but I believe that merit should be awarded not based on your sex, but on your achievement and hard work. I don't belong to a minority, but it was still difficult for me to be successful in school, to fit into society, and to go to college. I don't feel like a victim, or feel the need to blame someone else for my incapacities, but many things outside of my control have hindered me throughout my life. I have not had it easy. I don't think many people do have an easy life, unless you are born into that elite top 1% of Americans who control 50% of our country's wealth. Needless to say, I am not one of those people. Maybe I'm worried and making much ado about nothing. It's just that I've known too many close friends and associates who have been blocked from their dreams for this reason, to think that couldn't happen to me.

I wish I had more confidence in myself, and in the system. I want to believe that the system is just, because I know I can be a good doctor, but, ultimately, whether or not I get into medical school is not my decision. And that lack of control over my own destiny is disconcerting.

Some things I want to do to improve my odds are: lose some weight (that will help with my self-esteem, at the least), get good grades (as I mentioned), try to remain optimistic, learn all the little things I need to know in order to play the game well, and try to enjoy, and keep, my job as a CNA. I am a very lucky man: I have a wonderful life and family, I've been blessed with great opportunities and with great friends, and I'm grateful for all these things.