On Being a Father

For some reason, this seems like the most difficult thing to write about so far. I guess it's because there is some kind of security in writing about remote and abstract things that have little reflection on me, personally. Writing about my family is completely different. It's difficult not to idealize what I write-- to be candid and honest-- for fear it might sound common or sentimental. But, why should I be worried about that?

Being married... Being a Dad... sometimes I still think it hasn't hit me yet. Already Shauni and I have been married two years, my little boy knows my name, can almost walk, and has his very own personality. To me, he was just born! I can see myself in his face. There's no sufficient explanation for that feeling... It's ineffable, like something spiritual. Even though I know he is not me-- he will grow up to be very different from me-- I know that half the fabric of his mind and body came from me and my ancestors! It confounds me.

I think of all my known ancestors, just the ones I have some record of (approx 1,000), then add the few known thousands of my wife, and our son is descended from all of them combined! Bits and pieces of all those people, haply meeting in his little form, to make a cute, chubby, toothy-grinned little boy.

Jaren has already decided on distinct roles for both of us: Shauni (Mama), is the caretaker and protector and comforter, the one for whom most of the whining and crying and yelling is intended, she is the pretty one, with the makeup box and the food supply (and from whom he will not accept any imitation, ie. bottle or sipycup), and the one who, as he knows, has near-endless patience for his selfish, and sometimes bratty, behavior. Shauni is a really great mom, and even though Jaren might not know that yet, because right now all he cares about is himself, I know he will someday, and he'll be very grateful to her. I (Dada), am the one who does much less of the important day-to-day stuff (diapers, feeding, bathing, waking up with, etc. [which I need to repent of]), and who leaves a lot, and hides for hours in the bedroom half of the time (I work nights), but who redeems himself, at least for him, by playing fun games and rough-housing.

Some of our favorite things to do together are: playing tickle-monster, chase around the house on hands and knees while growling "I'm gonna getcha!" (he knows that phrase), pretending that I'm a lion by donning the lion throw-rug my parents bought for him, and he loves to crawl all over me in bed when Shauni carries him in to wake me up on days that I work. Jaren also likes it when I throw him up in the air (only if he can feel my hands, and if I don't let go of him completely), and when I hold him like a big sub-sandwich and pretend to eat him.

I like spending quiet time with him, too, when he'll let me. Sometimes, when he's really tired, he'll let me hold him and rock him to sleep in the rocking chair next to his crib. Other times, he'll let me hold him on my lap and feed him a sippycup of milk. But these moments are rare, and so I treasure them. Most of the time, that boy is "Go!Go!Go!" all day, until he crashes.

He stood on his own feet with no help or support for about 20 seconds the other day! Before that, he was getting brave and trying new and risky things, like climbing up on things by himself, and cruising along the walls, but ever since then he has been scared to be left standing alone, and will cry and cry if he gets stuck or stranded while cruising, or if Shauni or I try to stand him in the middle of the floor and let go. We both know he could easily walk already, but he must not be ready yet, mentally. It is a new and wonderful experience to watch him develop, and I enjoy it so much.

I'm so grateful he is a healthy and happy boy. I'm so grateful his well-educated and accomplished Mama thinks he is important enough to stay at home with, nurture, and take care of, and that, so far, I'm able to earn enough so we are able to do so, even though she could earn a lot more than me at present.
My next post will be dedicated to her, and it will probably be long and sappy, just FYI.